The Need To Be Liked edition by Dr Roger Covin SelfHelp eBooks
Download As PDF : The Need To Be Liked edition by Dr Roger Covin SelfHelp eBooks 
Almost everyone has a fundamental need to be liked by other people. It is a healthy and normal part of life. However, the need to be liked can also be associated with emotional, behavioural and even personality problems. The Need to be Liked is a book that explores the dark side of this human need.
The author (Dr. Roger Covin) is a clinical psychologist who weaves together psychological research with his own clinical experiences in order to present a unique and original way of thinking about the need to be liked. Drawing on research and theory from various fields of psychology, Dr. Covin explains how people’s experience with painful rejection shapes their way of thinking about themselves and others.
The author examines how the need to be liked can lead to depression, anxiety and other mental health concerns. Furthermore, Dr. Covin describes how the need to be liked expresses itself in numerous ways, ranging from subtle behaviours to aspects of one’s overall personality. For example, the need to be liked can affect…
•...the degree to which you are career-driven
•...alcohol and drug use
•...one’s excessive focus on physical appearance
•...the decision to remain in an abusive relationship
•...rumination about past relationships
•...being overly self-critical and perfectionistic
•…continually entering into relationships where you find the wrong partner
•…sabotaging relationships
Finally, Dr. Covin provides useful strategies and suggestions for how to manage problems with needing to be liked and dealing with rejection. The Need to be Liked is a fascinating and timely examination of a topic that affects the vast majority of people. Grounded in current research and theory, and articulated through Dr. Covin’s experiences as a therapist, this book is a must read for those who have ever wondered – why do I need to be liked?
The Need To Be Liked edition by Dr Roger Covin SelfHelp eBooks
"Indeed, there is one psychological factor that frequently makes itself evident in our sessions--one that impacts the functioning of each client, regardless of their respective problems--the need to be liked by other people," says the author in the beginning of the book. If you read the book, you will see that he's probably right. Actually, the book also deals with another related subject which is the need to be likable. These are, as the author explains in a somewhat scanty way, indeed related but not the same. The need to be likable or to possess likability traits to be attractive to others in general is, as I think, something that is more important than the need to be liked in a particular situation by a particular person. The author also mentions how some people are preoccupied with the need that some or all of their desirable traits--beauty, social savvy, smartness, etc.--are validated by other people.Anyway, this book is not an easy reading. Although written in a clear manner, it is actually more complicated than might be perceived from the first reading. The issues covered aren't easy to digest and certainly not that easy to build into a clear and comprehensible picture. It will probably take you to read it several times and then apply it to your own life before you really get it. But once you do, you will approach yourself and your difficulties in social interactions with much more clarity and understanding.
The book will teach you that the need to be liked/likable is something that is in your DNA and that you can do nothing about it. This need is just the same as the need to avoid physical threats, and you will respond to the situations where you are threaten by rejection or where your general likability is in danger in pretty much the same ways as you would do in the situations where you might be hurt physically. Those who say they will teach you to go around not caring at all what others think of you, as the author says, don't tell you the whole truth. You cannot overcome your genes. On the other hand, once you learn about the way the Social Protection System, as the author calls it, works, you will be able to intervene in those place you do have the ability to do something.
There are 5 components to the Social Protection System:
1.Threat appraisal (detection + interpretation)--you can do nothing with the detection phase, but you can learn how to interpret threats in a more objective and productive way.
2.Response to threat--there's nothing you can do about it. Once your system has recognized a threat, the reaction of your body will follow, and you can do very little about it.
3.Pain detection--nothing you can do. You just feel the pain of rejection.
4.Immediate response to the threat of rejection--you can learn and change your responses and work to remove things that don't serve you.
5.Long term response to the threat of rejection and preparation for future threats--you can learn to change yourself in that area, though it would probably be rather hard. It will require you to start slowly removing your defenses and see that all or most of your fears weren't justified. You will learn to interpret things more accurately and avoid applying ineffective and unneeded solutions.
The book also deals a lot with core beliefs and automatic thoughts (how beliefs are formed, how different experience in our early life influence us, how automatic thoughts are created, etc.), with the ways many of us are biased to recognize threats where there aren't any, with the way to remove our defenses and to slowly change for the better. It explains many psychological issues in a clear and understandable way. It stresses the ambiguity of social interactions and the tendency of our brains to make safe but many times false interpretations that are usually automatic and unconscious but actually harm us in the long run. It talks about the habits of rumination and self-criticism, their positive and negative sides, and what to do about it. It talks about how to apply Cognitive Behavior Therapy as a possible solution to different problems covered in the book. It also stresses the normality of difficult and unpleasant emotions we feel in our lives, especially those following rejection. Unfortunately, we are culturally taught that negative emotions aren't normal and should therefore be avoided and eliminated as much as possible.
The books presents five levels of psychological awareness. They are (1) a core belief, (2) the situations where this core belief is likely to affect thinking, (3) the automatic thoughts that come to mind in these situations, (4) the subsequent emotions. According to the author, most people are only aware of their emotions and have no idea what lies underneath. As you've guessed right, the book will help you to become more aware of the other, much more profound and important levels.
I liked the book a lot. I use it often and refer to it regularly to better understand my social interactions and overal behavior in regard to the need to be liked and likable. I've become easier on myself and I do not longer expect myself to be immune to others' behavior or not to care at all what others think. It's impossible. All I can do is to slowly and deliberately recognize my problem behaviors and change them for the better.
On the negative side, I think the book misses some important issues. I found that the difference between the need to be liked vs the need to be likable in general and the way the book's different topics should be applied in a slightly different way to each of them aren't properly explained in my opinion. The book also lacks somewhat in the way it is organized: I thought it could have been presented in a clearer and more organized way. In addition, and even though it appears to provide comprehensive coverage of that issue, in truth it doesn't talk at all about some other important and central protective mechanisms we use to respond and prepare for future threats of rejection. I am talking primarily about putting ourselves above others to compensate for the feelings of being rejected and wounded, i.e., narcissism. It's a complex matter in and of itself. It is not mentioned at all in the book, but I believe that for many people this might be one of the central issues of dealing with the pain of early life rejections and the feelings of being unlikable. Besides, it doesn't talk about the issues of being artificially too nice and too soft, of trying to be perceived in a certain way by others, of compromising, of being a pleaser in order to win others over. And so on.
But it's still a great book. I gave it 5 stars because of its relative clarity, novelty, and importance. Read it if you are interested in the subject and/or think you aren't likable or liked enough. Read it if you want to understand yourself better in regard to your social interactions. I haven't seen any book like that so far on the market. The topics that are covered in the book will let you see things see and comprehend that important subject much more clearly. And they will allow you a greater control over your life.
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The Need To Be Liked edition by Dr Roger Covin SelfHelp eBooks Reviews
I really liked this book. Written well, not too long not too brief. Totally debunked the popular response we receive when we express concern about our likeability... that totally incorrect belief that goes something like; 'what others think of us doesn't matter'. It does matter in terms of our biology and in terms of the very real emotional responses we feel and live with in relation to our need to be liked. I recommend this read if you want to hear some refreshing truth. It also had some tips at the end for managing and satisfying this need. Before I got to the tips, I assumed they'd just be an obligatory add-on to the end of a mostly explanatory style book - even the author understated them throughout the book. But they were very good though, and will help you if you need some guidance on this issue.
This book is an excellent resource for translating science and research into something digestible for those who need it. It is written in a clear and understandable manner. It is unique in it's focus on the background theory with the practical exercises based on this. Far too often books provide techniques without explaining where they come from, why we use them, or how they work. I strongly recommend this book for anyone who has experienced depression, difficulties with interpersonal experiences and even those just interested in the human condition.
Great book covering a widely-experienced need. Great break down of the mechanisms underlying the phenomenon. Recommend to anyone needing to feel accepted by others and coming up short.
Short and sweet if you need an objective boost after going through a bout of rejection. It does not focus as much on personal rejection as I would have liked, but if you need logic to get out of an emotional rut, definitely worth a read.
Well-written, straightforward, informative and an overall easy read. When I purchase books like this, I usually expect to either be overwhelmed by the volume of unnecessary technical jargon and/or buzzwords used or underwhelmed by the lack of credible research references or befuddled by the thought process behind the assertions in the book or frustrated at the author's audacity to write a whole book that can sometimes be summarized in one sentence. However, I was pleasantly surprised with this book. "The Need To Be Like" provides the reader a good background on the very human need to be liked, a fairly adequate list of behaviors that can result from the frustration of this need, and coping strategies that people can employ to help them deal with rejection whether actual or otherwise. I found it a refreshing alternative to all the pop psychology books out there in the market.
I throughly enjoyed reading this book. It was extremely informative and gave me lots of information to use in my everyday life.
This is a very interesting and informative book. It provides a solid theory of why we sometimes feel afraid and uncomfortable when starting relationships or communication with other people. The theory simply makes sense, and is consistent with my experience. It is useful to understand why we feel the fear and discomfort. Especially because these reasons are mostly irrational and irrelevant, especially in todays work. This understanding alone won't solve everything, but I still feel it is useful. I just say to myself "Hey, you feel this because of the way your brain is wired for evolutionary purposes". Then I try to follow the constructive ways of dealing with problems instead of those counterproductive ones. I wish the book had more advice on solving problems related to social anxiety and rejection. To be fair, the book never claimed to be a self-help book, it actually clearly says it is not. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand social fears and rejection.
"Indeed, there is one psychological factor that frequently makes itself evident in our sessions--one that impacts the functioning of each client, regardless of their respective problems--the need to be liked by other people," says the author in the beginning of the book. If you read the book, you will see that he's probably right. Actually, the book also deals with another related subject which is the need to be likable. These are, as the author explains in a somewhat scanty way, indeed related but not the same. The need to be likable or to possess likability traits to be attractive to others in general is, as I think, something that is more important than the need to be liked in a particular situation by a particular person. The author also mentions how some people are preoccupied with the need that some or all of their desirable traits--beauty, social savvy, smartness, etc.--are validated by other people.
Anyway, this book is not an easy reading. Although written in a clear manner, it is actually more complicated than might be perceived from the first reading. The issues covered aren't easy to digest and certainly not that easy to build into a clear and comprehensible picture. It will probably take you to read it several times and then apply it to your own life before you really get it. But once you do, you will approach yourself and your difficulties in social interactions with much more clarity and understanding.
The book will teach you that the need to be liked/likable is something that is in your DNA and that you can do nothing about it. This need is just the same as the need to avoid physical threats, and you will respond to the situations where you are threaten by rejection or where your general likability is in danger in pretty much the same ways as you would do in the situations where you might be hurt physically. Those who say they will teach you to go around not caring at all what others think of you, as the author says, don't tell you the whole truth. You cannot overcome your genes. On the other hand, once you learn about the way the Social Protection System, as the author calls it, works, you will be able to intervene in those place you do have the ability to do something.
There are 5 components to the Social Protection System
1.Threat appraisal (detection + interpretation)--you can do nothing with the detection phase, but you can learn how to interpret threats in a more objective and productive way.
2.Response to threat--there's nothing you can do about it. Once your system has recognized a threat, the reaction of your body will follow, and you can do very little about it.
3.Pain detection--nothing you can do. You just feel the pain of rejection.
4.Immediate response to the threat of rejection--you can learn and change your responses and work to remove things that don't serve you.
5.Long term response to the threat of rejection and preparation for future threats--you can learn to change yourself in that area, though it would probably be rather hard. It will require you to start slowly removing your defenses and see that all or most of your fears weren't justified. You will learn to interpret things more accurately and avoid applying ineffective and unneeded solutions.
The book also deals a lot with core beliefs and automatic thoughts (how beliefs are formed, how different experience in our early life influence us, how automatic thoughts are created, etc.), with the ways many of us are biased to recognize threats where there aren't any, with the way to remove our defenses and to slowly change for the better. It explains many psychological issues in a clear and understandable way. It stresses the ambiguity of social interactions and the tendency of our brains to make safe but many times false interpretations that are usually automatic and unconscious but actually harm us in the long run. It talks about the habits of rumination and self-criticism, their positive and negative sides, and what to do about it. It talks about how to apply Cognitive Behavior Therapy as a possible solution to different problems covered in the book. It also stresses the normality of difficult and unpleasant emotions we feel in our lives, especially those following rejection. Unfortunately, we are culturally taught that negative emotions aren't normal and should therefore be avoided and eliminated as much as possible.
The books presents five levels of psychological awareness. They are (1) a core belief, (2) the situations where this core belief is likely to affect thinking, (3) the automatic thoughts that come to mind in these situations, (4) the subsequent emotions. According to the author, most people are only aware of their emotions and have no idea what lies underneath. As you've guessed right, the book will help you to become more aware of the other, much more profound and important levels.
I liked the book a lot. I use it often and refer to it regularly to better understand my social interactions and overal behavior in regard to the need to be liked and likable. I've become easier on myself and I do not longer expect myself to be immune to others' behavior or not to care at all what others think. It's impossible. All I can do is to slowly and deliberately recognize my problem behaviors and change them for the better.
On the negative side, I think the book misses some important issues. I found that the difference between the need to be liked vs the need to be likable in general and the way the book's different topics should be applied in a slightly different way to each of them aren't properly explained in my opinion. The book also lacks somewhat in the way it is organized I thought it could have been presented in a clearer and more organized way. In addition, and even though it appears to provide comprehensive coverage of that issue, in truth it doesn't talk at all about some other important and central protective mechanisms we use to respond and prepare for future threats of rejection. I am talking primarily about putting ourselves above others to compensate for the feelings of being rejected and wounded, i.e., narcissism. It's a complex matter in and of itself. It is not mentioned at all in the book, but I believe that for many people this might be one of the central issues of dealing with the pain of early life rejections and the feelings of being unlikable. Besides, it doesn't talk about the issues of being artificially too nice and too soft, of trying to be perceived in a certain way by others, of compromising, of being a pleaser in order to win others over. And so on.
But it's still a great book. I gave it 5 stars because of its relative clarity, novelty, and importance. Read it if you are interested in the subject and/or think you aren't likable or liked enough. Read it if you want to understand yourself better in regard to your social interactions. I haven't seen any book like that so far on the market. The topics that are covered in the book will let you see things see and comprehend that important subject much more clearly. And they will allow you a greater control over your life.
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